Magic Max-isms 3/25/15

In my column last week, I reported that I was a little under the weather.  Unfortunately, the storm cloud is still overhead so I am currently unable to write in my normal prolific style.

Last Sunday, my plans to spend a leisurely day at home ended with an EMS ride and a weeklong stay in the hospital, where I remain as this is being written.  At one point during the week, someone asked who was writing next week's column.  My kids put their heads together and decided that the rest of the world should get to share in the exchange of "Maxine-isms" that they have witnessed all week.  Any one was free to add their own words to the column.

And this is where the kids are taking over the writing so that their mother can continue to rest and recover.  One brother had his own words to share---he would like to use the words "the," "of," "and" and maybe "but" and "from."  They can be used in any order necessary to add to the story. 

The situation was serious as the evening began in the emergency room but sometimes laughter can be the best medicine and there has been no lack of it over the last week in spite of the ups and downs and new health issues that have presented themselves.  Following are bits and pieces of conversations that have played out over the week. 

Nurse:  "Maxine, it looks like you are going to spend the night."

Maxine:  "No, my kids just brought me in here to get checked out."

Nurse:  "We're going to put some patches on you."  (following two EKGs and being hooked up to monitors)

Maxine:  "I have had so many patches, I am going to look like a quilt."

Nurse:  "Do you need any financial counseling?"

Maxine:  "Other than the fact that I do not intend to pay this bill, I am fine."

Nurse:  "Who do you go to for emotional support?"

Maxine:  "I ain't got nobody."

Nurse:  "What about your personal relationships?"

Maxine:  "I've been a widow for 33 years.  I ain't got no relationships."

Nurse:  "If your heart stops, do you want us to do anything to get it started again."

Maxine:  "Not if you're sure I am already dead."

Nurse:  "Can you tell me your name and birth date?"

Maxine:  "I told you that yesterday; you really should remember it by now."

Nurse:  "Can you tell me your name and birth date?"

Maxine:  "I am going to report you for not being able to remember that."

Nurse (on Thursday afternoon):  "Will you still be here tomorrow?"

Maxine:  "I don't know. I was planning to go home last Sunday."

Visitor:  "Try to behave yourself."

Maxine:  "You won't recognize me if I do."

Nurse:  "How's your food look?"

Maxine:  "Not as good as I can do."

Son:  "How are things going?"

Maxine:  "Once I get the cooks trained, it will be better."

Nurse:  "Do you want the light on to eat?"

Maxine:  "Oh, I don't care.  It won't taste any better with the light on."

Maxine:  "It's cold at the west end of town."  

Translation:  "Please close up the gap in the back of my gown."

Daughter:  "The doctor was only in here 45 seconds this morning."

Maxine:  "Yeah, he saw I was alive and he left."

Nurse:  "I am going to take your vitals."

Maxine:  "That's okay as long as you bring them back."

Nurse, wanting to take a pulse:  "May I borrow your finger?"

Maxine:  "No, I'm using it."

We think you get the gist.  Mom has really been a great patient.  She has not complained and has been very appreciative of the care the nurses have given her and doesn't want to be a bother.  In all the years she has written Magic Moments, she has let her humor shine through and has not been too proud to share the silly, embarrassing and absent-minded things that she has done. Humor has been an important tool in celebrating the magic moments in her life as well as in coping with the tragedies and disappointments that life has sent her way.  Her humor has helped to lighten the work of her nurses, helped her children deal with seeing their mother ill, and helped herself to face the fears of dealing with changes in her health and the uncertainties of what is ahead.  It is her hope that through it all, she has also been able to bring a smile and a laugh to someone else.

(Max suffered a mild heart attack and will hopefully be well soon. Unfortunately during her recovery, she lost her sister and friend, Kork. Max and family would appreciate your prayers during this time.)